CARPE DIEM

Monday, February 28, 2011

shit my ibanking got blocked yet again.

damn it.

why?!

hate going to the bank. i have no bloody time. thats why i have a bloody ibank.

cb.

im so sick that i took my papers in a separate quarantine room.

pathetic much?

but hey, i guess its for the better, wont be distracted by idiots going off early from the paper and leaving me panicking fo not knowing much shit. haiyah.

okay time t...umm....... attempt to study.

gooodbye~

shaaaab at { 8:56 PM }

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I treat each relationship i have very very seriously and preciously.

I love you Siti Aisyah bte Idrus ,aka Ryshafoxx aka Kucing.

You've been there for me since urh pri 3?

hahahaha.

we're in poly year 3 nows but hey we still meet up and treat each other like crap hahahahha.

i love you kucings.

I guess so much has been happening lately really. time doesn't stop. at all.

I guess taking things slow has been the key point in everything.

it's always good to know you've been cheated on and backstabbed rather than live obliviously.

hmm.

i miss my boys frm sec sch.

just got a call at 11pm omg asking me to come down cause they are DOWNSTAIRS and they're gonna be out and about. shucks, wish i could join damnit.

shaaaab at { 11:08 PM }

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Vday.

it's over.

But debate is still on-going about how sinful it is to be celebrating it in the first place.

My 0.2cents worth?

Look deep inside yourself before you comment about how "sinful" it is to celebrate with a loved one.

IF you are all things that are right, then maybe you comment to make people aware is okay I guess. But in the era, it's a tad hard to believe that someone doesn't know.

Ah well.

Walking away from a 6years+ relationship will never be easy. Walking away from any relationship never was. You have to keep telling yourself to chin up, walk tall, head held proud, no tears no weakness.

And when you're just tired of being strong, you crumble and then the entire process is back to square one.

So many things I could have done to save it. Closing an eye to his indiscretions, keeping mum while angry, smile when it hurts and probably even a million more. But then it'd mean losing who I am. So I go with it. Because I could never bottle things up without feeling like tearing my hair out by its roots. It means losing a wall of support that was there for 6 years. It means cutting my nose off to spite my face. It means giving up on love.

But I'd do it still.

And I don't have a concrete reason why. Probably never will.

There's only one thing I regret from this excuse of a relationship.

The loss of someone so dear, it kills me to have lost it ; And I'm not talking about my then-boyfriend.

It's Wednesday already. How time flies.

Monday Saheera left for Australia.

It's Wednesday now.

And then Friday comes knocking.

I don't feel ready, probably never will.

But I don't have any choice now do I?

How long has it been since I lost you? Since March 2010. I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry I lost you. I found and lost you in a few words. Breaking down alone at the doctor's was never in my agenda. I've come clean now. I'm sorry.

shaaaab at { 11:55 PM }

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I have never been selfless.

To those who have claim so, I beg to differ.

I've always been narcissistic and ignorant.

It's only by the grace of God that I've come so far with friends who I know would give me their all should I ever need it of them.

Cause they know. I don't just befriend any old Tom,Dick or Harry.

A friend once told me it was so hard to be friends with me but it's even harder for me to give up on that person.

I pride myself in knowing that I can trust my friends and they can trust me.

Not with their lives, not really (I can kill myself walking out th door sometimes, i am THAT clumsy), but with important things.

Be thankful for small mercies.

That's what I'm learning and trying to do now.

Insya'Allah, I'll be better.

shaaaab at { 1:54 AM }

it's nearly 2am and i've yet to be able to sleep peacefully since February came along.

I don't blame Hkm cause it ain't his fault he was born in feb 22 years ago, i mean, come on -_-

But it's always been a very hard month for me to go through.

Expectations and more expectations.

It pulls you down and bring unnecessary burden.

Its like having a chip on your shoulder for no apparent reason.

I've always been much more eloquent in words rather than verbally but even then, there are so many others who are exceptionally well-versed in this beautiful language.

I've always found English beautiful, a language that shortens the gap between cultures and countries ; but I digress.

I guess, my point is,

I always find something I am really good at (according to my standards at least) and then I will definitely stumble onto someone who is so much better than me. Yes it humbles me but at the same time, it just makes me think like why should I bother?

I do not have the mindset of a fighter or a never-say-die attitude but I try.

I swear with my everything, I do try my best sometimes.

BUT IT'S STILL JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

shaaaab at { 12:03 AM }

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Sometimes at night, I feel my head hurting.

Just keep hurting.

Like it's about to burst.

That's when I take a step back. Text someone who can calm me down like no one can cause...umm... he's dead like that.

hahaha.

I'm always a bundle of frayed nerves and it helps to have someone around who doesn't give me shit.

For the most part.

So tomorrow.

I'll be heading out at 9pm with everything and a little moral support.

I just hope, I don't break under the pressure.

on a sidenote,

my wrist hurts like a bitch but heeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

it keeps my mind off certain things.

like liars for instance.