CARPE DIEM

Friday, January 28, 2011

So here's the hard truth.

I exhibit symptoms of being neurotic.

neurotic - suffering from excessive anxiety and emotional distress.

neurotic - emotional, high-strung, hysterical, nervous,

If you're just looking for characteristics someone who was neurotic would be someone who constantly worries about everything and always seems troubled. A neurotic person would be very emotional. They would get extremely excited when happy, and very emotional when sad. They would also tend to be anxious people. Certain triggers will make them very uncomfortable and may even lead to panic attacks.

- http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100503213258AAK3gA2

I have never been comfortable in my own skin and seek solace mostly in the soothing sounds of the waves crashing or a beautiful serenade. Forever obsessing over trivial matters which in turn hurt the one I love. Often, obsessing over things that don't really exist. I know this. I know it very well. But sometimes the urge to suppress the feelings, the bouts of melancholy and the actions that lead to dire consequences are non-existent at best when triggered.

Usually, triggered by my very own mortality and self-worth. I undermine myself so easily that all it takes is for one discouraging look from someone I highly regard to set me off. And it's even worse when I go "ya lah i am nothing what to you" and you don't say otherwise.

It'd be stuck to my brain until the end of Time and it's like on repeat every single time I look at you. That's why it's hard sometimes for me to look at Hkm in the eye, at least without the hurtful remarks not on repeat in my head. It's like an annoying drone of voices chanting in my head and it won't STOP.

Even when laughing or smiling, the words never stop. The pain never really fades. And I guess that's where my trust issues come in. When I know you've said those before, what makes me think that you didn't really mean it. Words spoken in anger usually have a measure of truth in it cause it's from the heart, a place where you don't travel for fear of hurting the other person unless anger blurs the lines in between.

Knowing this, I usually can't hold my own whenever I know someone is feeling down. I struggle with my own depressing situations on a daily basis on my own that I can not at least try to be there for someone when he/she needs me to be there.

So for what it's worth baby. I'm sorry you didn't manage to make it. But I'm certain with my heart and soul, you'll get through the next time. For whatever measure of comfort you can take from these baby, I give them with open arms to you.

I'm sorry.

Speaking of mortality. Daddy's otw to hosp now in an ambulance while I'm at home. Worried sick.