SHABRINA
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![]() ![]() ![]() Monday, January 31, 2011 Why?I was just told that I'm one of the more matured-thinking girls a guy has ever known. He's not the first. Why? Do you not see what I see? Do you not see how I struggle? Do you not see how I don't like being me? My thoughts are in a constant swirl, a miasma of negativity. Do you not see how it affects me on a daily basis? can you not SEE how HARD it is? Like and infatuation at most, they define how you go through life and how you act but at the end of the day, it fades. Just like anything and everything. It fades away. Even love. Even hatred. Nothing stays forever. Nothing gold can stay. Do you not see my struggles? This facade is not impenetrable. Its not impregnable. I am me. Flaws and all. I just need somebody to love me too. It's really heart-rending, abah asking for help to write up an obituary for yayi for the newspaper. It really is.
shaaaab at { 2:35 AM } Sunday, January 30, 2011 Every death that happens is emotionally draining.More emotional than physical, though physically it is too. Got woken up by mia calling and telling me grandda passed away. I felt NOTHING. (shit dont call me heartless it's just shock okay) Called up sisters and they were alrd otw home. Bathed, dressed, packed whatever was needed. Daddy called and when I heard him crying, that was when everything felt real. Sissies came home and then adik drove us to grandda's. Didn't need to do much cause there were people before us who did everything. Funeral commenced and makciks so busily comparing their kids' successes and the remaining wealth and the whatever trivial matters these vultures can think of. Even maids abusing whatever they were given also thrown into the rojak topics, kalahkan mama betul. tsk. Joke of The Day between me and cousin; Me : Anak saya doktor, anak awak plak? Cousin : Anak saya pun doktor, pandai dia inject diri sendiri! Me : BWAHAHA diabetes kah?! Cousin : DRUG ADDICT! Translation ~ Me : My child is a doctor, how about yours? Cousin : My child also doctor, can inject self very well! Me : BWAHAHA due to diabetes? Cousin : DRUG ADDICT! hahahahahahaha now that eased my irritation with silly relatives. Went along to the grave and okay dah don't really want to talk about it. My Yayi. Allahyarham Haji Shahroon bin Haji Abdullah aka Haji Sharon bin Haji Abdullah
shaaaab at { 10:20 PM } Friday, January 28, 2011 So here's the hard truth.I exhibit symptoms of being neurotic. neurotic - suffering from excessive anxiety and emotional distress. neurotic - emotional, high-strung, hysterical, nervous, If you're just looking for characteristics someone who was neurotic would be someone who constantly worries about everything and always seems troubled. A neurotic person would be very emotional. They would get extremely excited when happy, and very emotional when sad. They would also tend to be anxious people. Certain triggers will make them very uncomfortable and may even lead to panic attacks. I have never been comfortable in my own skin and seek solace mostly in the soothing sounds of the waves crashing or a beautiful serenade. Forever obsessing over trivial matters which in turn hurt the one I love. Often, obsessing over things that don't really exist. I know this. I know it very well. But sometimes the urge to suppress the feelings, the bouts of melancholy and the actions that lead to dire consequences are non-existent at best when triggered. Usually, triggered by my very own mortality and self-worth. I undermine myself so easily that all it takes is for one discouraging look from someone I highly regard to set me off. And it's even worse when I go "ya lah i am nothing what to you" and you don't say otherwise. It'd be stuck to my brain until the end of Time and it's like on repeat every single time I look at you. That's why it's hard sometimes for me to look at Hkm in the eye, at least without the hurtful remarks not on repeat in my head. It's like an annoying drone of voices chanting in my head and it won't STOP. Even when laughing or smiling, the words never stop. The pain never really fades. And I guess that's where my trust issues come in. When I know you've said those before, what makes me think that you didn't really mean it. Words spoken in anger usually have a measure of truth in it cause it's from the heart, a place where you don't travel for fear of hurting the other person unless anger blurs the lines in between. Knowing this, I usually can't hold my own whenever I know someone is feeling down. I struggle with my own depressing situations on a daily basis on my own that I can not at least try to be there for someone when he/she needs me to be there. So for what it's worth baby. I'm sorry you didn't manage to make it. But I'm certain with my heart and soul, you'll get through the next time. For whatever measure of comfort you can take from these baby, I give them with open arms to you. I'm sorry. Speaking of mortality. Daddy's otw to hosp now in an ambulance while I'm at home. Worried sick. shaaaab at { 12:43 AM } Thursday, January 27, 2011 I'M A FUCKING RETARD WTF?!ACCORDING TO AN IQ TEST THAT IS COMPULSORY FOR ME TO DO FOR MY PSYCHOLOGY CLASS, MY IQ IS BELOW AVERAGE. ACCORDING TO YOUR PERFORMANCE TO THIS TEST, YOUR PERFORMANCE IS SLIGHTLY BELOW POPULATION AVERAGE k ah aku tahu ah aku bodoh tapi takyah ah rub it in. ![]() ZOOM IN AH CAN SEE KNNCCB BETUL
shaaaab at { 5:32 PM } Tuesday, January 25, 2011 Always know what you're worth, nothing less, nothing more.I have grown up the youngest in my family. People are often thinking, YOUNGEST?! pampered ah sial. Unreliable. Dependent. Weak. For the most part, it's true. But as the youngest, there is constant competition. The constant need to prove that you're as smart as your sister. As pretty. As mature. As everything. It doesn't help that your elder sister is a paragon of good breeding and a genius to boot. I am the youngest. I am pampered. I am weak. I am dependent. But I also am just trying to prove my own worth. It helps if the one you love stops bringing you down and starts to help you through it all. But that's wishful thinking on my part.
shaaaab at { 1:09 AM } Friday, January 21, 2011 This is the story of an old and disintegrating woman, Eliza. I met her while she was out shopping for CNY goodiessss She got tired. And we walked to find food for her, old fat aunty And we saw this sign instead of the Samurai burger~ YAYYY! Old aunty nearly died there! She whipped out handphone (wah not bad old aunty it-savvy) and TWEET lah sia. To make her order faster, I show her a poster of me (looks down) cb. So she faster orderrrrrrrrrr~ Then I always call her slow. So she pouted. thanks baby, like my captioning?
shaaaab at { 12:24 AM } Wednesday, January 19, 2011 When was the last time?shaaaab at { 11:58 PM } Tuesday, January 11, 2011 So. This is seriously for fun and I was bored. And yeah my voice is shaky and stupid shit but haha i cracked up when i listened to it and it was only on the 5th time that i managed to stop laughing at myself. K bye
shaaaab at { 11:51 PM } that I'm turning 20 (*gasp* the big 2!) That i'm gonna be graduating soon, God Willing. That I have to toughen up and be more independent. That I'm really truly considered an adult. You know you're getting older when your peers are starting to get married, have kids, get engaged, start living separately from parents, works in an actual office fulltime. That shit. You also know you're getting older when you have to start looking at actual handbags instead of purses during Raya with a more mature design cause damnit you're just plain old. I have a problem with turning older. A severe one in fact. =( Lets just let time deal with it. oh god. 20. really?! arghhh
shaaaab at { 10:52 PM } So. I've received a request (oh man that sounds so...ugh) but it's to post up 5 things that are always in my purse. Sadly, I don't own a purse. I CANT! I'm one of those insufferable female in which I neeeeeeeed a huge big bag to stuff all my nonsense in! So here it is, pics were taken on my bed hahaha so umm excuse the backgrnd......? Keys w DBS dongle, can't live w/o it, my thumbdrive is attached as well and it has alot of nonsense in it. Next would be my wallet from F21! heh changed it on 10th Muharram, InsyaAllah murah rezeki. Next, a daily planner my sis bought for me from Korea. omg its something very necessary in my life, i'd be lost as to know who i'm meeting that day! A coin pouch from Bali from Eggy my cousin. Haha i refuse to include coins in my wallet, itd cause my wallet to go out of shapeeee! A philips MP3 mummy got me a few years back. So convenient, plug and play! I can really just plug into anyone's laptop and steal their songs. it still works after 3 years omg. kay doing this is so funny. shaaaab at { 10:13 PM } Saturday, January 8, 2011 I have never been a fan of the phrase " Bros over Hoes" or "Chicks over Dicks" or something equally shitty and degrading.I would definitely not like a random idiot call me a chick cause it seems to signify having a nice physical appearance and fluff as a brain. And calling a guy a Dick is just...can be taken in 2 ways and you'd definitely do not want to seem to be praising them like as though he's a stud unless he's surrounded by an army of kids who bears a striking resemblance to him! To me, it's always who is the most important to you over someone not as important. For me, my friends are my backbone. The reason I'm still alive and walking and willing to give things another go. If I disappoint them, it means I disappoint myself even more. My family, comes first, no matter what. self-explanatory much? My love. The one who brings me up when Im down. The light at the end of the road. After my family, you come next. Always. You can say I'm choosing a "dick over chicks" but what I think is; Im choosing love.
shaaaab at { 11:49 PM } This is not called dedication. This is called last-minute baru nak panic pasal nak graduate lah kan. haiyah. The only thing thats soothing me right now is Psychology grpmates and Depeche Mode. The only bloody reason I attend school on Wednesdays is them, really no joke. From 4 idiots who dont talk, we became the 4 idiots who dont keep quiet. And yes Im sure they all blame me for starting it. Im the only one willing to bridge the gap and get them to talk to each other, which i totally regret now cause they are becoming too damn good at ganging up on me! HELLO~?! AWESOME GRP LEADER HERE?! tsk I call them my little minions. or IMH-roomates. or even my slaves. And i get away with it cause im amazing like that. Aydan is the idiot who dismisses me with a "kthxbai" mcm mat rep. He has a very thick accent seeing he was born in UK. Not shy at all to speak his mind (which i wish he was haha!). Envy his command of the English language but just you wait, I will definitely exceed your expectations and surpass you! gah. Leon. The one I call RichKid and he calls me Silly. Thnx ya. His way of talking (no accent) is sooo damn cultured you can tell he was brought up with a priviledged life. He took a trip to Austria, Germany and Switzerland during his holidays and I gave him hell for not packing me in his luggage! The irritating kid who loves to make fun of me! Many times on msn I'd end up laughing like crazy and my dad would tiptoe and close my door. -_- Thanks ah daddy. Shalini. We call her a Retard HAHAHAHA because we are taking Psychology afterall. One of us has to be the retard and damn well it won't be me. (Funny cause Leon is the one who scored low in his IQ test :o) She performs by singing, havent heard it yet but i can tell its so going to break glass. HAHA HER VOICE DAMN HIGH PITCH AND SHE'S ONLY TALKING. In love with a guy I was involved with. No I meant, she love his COURSE, not him -_- ok bye 3am and waking up at 6am later to finish up my report. A, don't worry, I'm trying to keep healthy. You try to keep safe. Goodnight.
shaaaab at { 2:53 AM } Thursday, January 6, 2011 I've always known I was a throw-back of a cave woman. In terms of my search for a life-long partner I mean. I want a guy taller than me, broad shoulders, muscled, someone who can protect me, comfort me, shelter me, spoil me senseless. Those shit. So it should come as no surprise when I say I rather the partner is someone who fights my battle for me. Make my worries his, my battles his, my achievements his as well. That is what a partnership is to me. But then again, I notice things around me. And I realise one tiny contradiction. When a guy fights my battles for me each and every time, it simply makes me feel protected as well as inept. I realise I rather a guy supporting me from behind, quietly watching and giving me the space to do what I think is right and helping me deal with the consequences whatever it may be. One who scolds me while comforting me should I lose. One who scolds me for even fighting and then says he is proud of me regardless when I win. Someone in the background who doesn't intrude. Guess that makes me being a cave woman.... impossible doesn't it? But guys who can protects and nurtures well? Major Major Major turn on *melts* shaaaab at { 12:20 AM } Wednesday, January 5, 2011 Guess what I did to my hair!heh heh heh Guess who got the call to come in for treatment a week early? boo hoo hoo First week of school and already...already I stopped sleeping much and am glued to my laptop. pathetic much?! Can't wait for this to end and then..and then.. idk Let's talk about this in 6 months and see how things are alright? =) On an awesome note, meeting up with Kucing tomorrow, next week w Saheera for dinner and Eggy on another day for dinner as well. Have yet to settle on a date w @lizziemrty for our candlelit dinner (chey gf apa!) and also Lj! So excited for the coming meetups I can not wait to do all this stupid things before I have to stop everything! Alright, am in the middle of rendering a stupid video which took me 2 nights to do. let's hope I get the bloody grades else I might just have to kill someone >:( P.S : Guess who's settling details for the Bangkok trip?! heh heh heh P.P.S : Guess who's being annoying and asking you to guess again! P.P.P.S : guess........ok dah eh bye
shaaaab at { 11:31 AM } Monday, January 3, 2011 Been working and haven't had the time to really sit down and have time to myself! Rushing everywhere to have time for everyone and I'm being stretched thin, but I guess it's okay cause that's the beauty in having friends. loves. Christmas was uneventful My God. But it was my cousin's birthday (HI EGGY U BABI) and I missed the family bbq aunt held over at her place! sho sorry =( Next year okay! Monday 27th. First official day of training for a whole new job! Was nervous but yet excited for getting this job. Just had a minor disagreement about the amount of makeup required, haiyah! Realised had to shop for skirts/pants and a pair of shoes that are comfortable and wont make me weep after standing on it for 8hours! Makeup? Just raided first sister's loot and Im a happy camper =) Worked all the way until New Year's Eve. Happy bunny on eve of new year! managed to wake up early enough to head to paya lebar with the girls in my fam! (Momsy, FirstSis and SecondSis). Mom had to twist second sis arm abit to get her to drive us to PayaLebar hahaha but hey, shes the mother, she can do it and get away with it! (ooooh cant wait to have my own little tykes to bully!) Got me contact lens (probably the last time I can beg mom to buy them for me heh heh heh but dah work cannot ah!) and First Sis bought herself lens as well as a pair of nerdy specs. (wtf is up with the trend of huge black nerd specs?!) Headed toooooo..... ARNOLDS! But siallah waiting queue was totally out of the mind tho it was a weekday! Had lunch elsewhere instead. We three sisters became The Grouchy Sisters when mom queued for Putu Piring for so long. To make us feel better, she shopped with us! hehe i bought myself 2 tanktops for sucha steal, i feel like going back for more! By then mom got fed up so we headed home >:( Party pooooper! At night, caught fireworks with First Sis from th comforts of our own balcony hua hua hua New Year boring giler, I worked!!!!! But hey the pay makes it better I guess? 2nd Jan,also wrked! =( NO.SOCIAL.LIFE.WHATSOEVER. -_- Alright lets end this shit, class at 4pm! SOOOO TO MY LOVELY BABIES AND BABIS (WHOEVER YOU GUYS ARE, YOU SHOULD KNOW WHICH CATEGORY YOU FALL IN), THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR BEING THERE FOR ME THROUGH THE YEAR WHEN I WAS A PERMANENT PASSENGER ON BOARD A RIDICULOUS EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER RIDE. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO DAMN MUCH AND HAVE A GREAT GREAT GREAT YEAR AHEAD! HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVE, SHAAAAB shaaaab at { 8:06 PM } |