CARPE DIEM

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I have been away from my blog for soooooo long!!

Been working for an event and the hours are long!

Did data entry throughout my stint and i get a splitting headache after 7 hours, really!

It was fun tho, working with colleagues and I guess I learned something.

PEOPLE REALLY SHOP ALOT DURING XMAS WEEK

siallah the amount i key in is like enough to land me a trip around the world!

ok done, going on a trip tomorrow!!

Sidenote : Possibility of going to the zoo and safari next week when a friend's leave application is succesful. YAY ME!

You know why I stopped being the "bigger person"? Do you know why I stopped ignoring you and finally stooped to your level? You really want to know? It's because I never got the credit I deserved while I served as the more mature one, it's because even when you follow the rules there's someone being rewarded for breaking them. It's because even when I took the fall, sacrificed it all, I still got nothing. It's because the feeling of self-fulfillment no longer arrives at the end of the road, 'cause no one's there waiting to thank you for it.

shaaaab at { 7:41 PM }

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Talked to a friend on the phone ystd until 4am or so.

No wonder my throat's screwed

and my mum isn't helping matters by coughing in my face when she talks to me!

I shudder at the thought of having an open relationship, really.

its... too much of leaving things to chance!

and im too uptight anyhow.

Every single thing that we do is proof of something.

Not everything needs to be spoken out loud and not everything needs to be kept under wraps.

Proof ;

breathing, eating, thinking, heart pumping, its all proof that we're alive. It's not necessary to say : OH IM BREATHING AND THINKING

cause if you do, that's just...weird.

A turbulence of emotions. Anger. Fear. Love. Happiness. Pain. It's proof that we are human and that we make mistakes. Proof that we have a heart.

and yes when necessary : im not happy with the way youre doing things.

you don't expect everyone to be mind-readers right!?

To validate our existence we do things to show we are HERE, NOW. Do things that will make a mark, somehow. Have relationships. Get excellent grades. Climb mountains. Dive in the sea. Travel across the world. We all want to be remembered.

And I?

I want to be remembered.

I rather it be good things but bad things are okay too, cause I know the good and bad all make up a part of me.

But favour ah.

ONLY FAMILY AND BF CALLS ME BABY AHHHH

*glares at Nad*

shaaaab at { 10:45 PM }

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The only person I will never get sick of to plan for random meetups and stupid outings,

would be Kucing @ryshafoxx

Always we plan meet early morning but we lil piggies will not wake up on time!

TSK

I can never be a better person and say that I wouldn't change a single thing about my past.

Say that it has made me be a better person or a wiser idiot or something along those lines.

I can never be the better person who won't laugh at my sisters when they get scolded by dad or mum.

I can never be the better person.

So this is the truth.

I regretted every single thing in my past regarding you.

I will probably regret publishing this the moment's damage's been done.

But I can never bring myself to delete this or hide this.

I've hidden it for too long, from myself even.

I regret making mistakes I regret going each and every extra mile to make you and only you happy.

I regret thinking that we could prove people wrong by saying that my first will be my last.

That the firsts do lasts.

I regret thinking we could take on the world together.

I regret thinking we could, against all odds, be together.

I regret thinking together, we would have the power to change things.

How utterly humbling.

How utterly selfish Ive been.

How utterly painful.

I'm not and prolly will never be a better person.

But i know if i could, i WOULD change my past.

For some, the first and last.

For most, the first never lasts.

Goodbye you.

Goodbye us.

Goodbye. Me.

shaaaab at { 12:22 AM }

Friday, December 10, 2010

Thanks to Hkm's Mak,
I have been receiving emails from Voice of Faithub.

For those who knows me well, you'd realise that my grasp of the malay language is...
pathetic at best.

Had a hard time following lessons during religious classes cause.
i understood shit.
hahhaha.

So dropped out n dad scoured the island and bought me religious books
IN ENGLISH

the emails are also enlightening and I want to go to one of their talks.
Shall attempt to drag my cousin, i suck at being alone for events.
hahah

Hopefully when daddy's back from Hajj, there's more books for me!

~

Phonecall from Mecca to Singapore;

Mum : baby.
Me : sape ni.
Mum : baby!
Me : EH JAWAB LAH NI SIAPA!
Mum : MAK LAH!

Me : kay. jap eh. *closes mouthpiece and shouts KAKAK ADIK MAK CALLLLL!*

talk abit, done.

Next call from Mecca to Singapore;

Mum : baby?

Me : MAAAAAK!

Mum : BABY!!!

Me : Maaaaaak!

Mum baaaabyyy!

Me : eh dah diam eh

Mum : HHAHAH dah makan?

Me : perangai budak gemok tanya pasal makan aja!

Mum : HAHAH DAH KE BELUM LAH!

Me : hahh dah. Mak message say sick, ni sound macam hyper je?

Mum : eh betul i was sick.

Me : yaaaaaa yaaaaaaaaa. Mana abah!

Mum to Dad : baby nak cakap dgn you

Dad : HELLO BABY SAYANG!

Me : abaaaaaaah!

Dad : apa dia sayang!

Me : baby dah nak exam tau bah. doa kan baby okay?

Dad : mesti lah anak abah apa. sentiasa abah doakan. ok nak kena letak already. bye baby i will forever love you

Me : chey bedah bapak aku jiwang

Dad : HAHAHA bye lah!

MY PARENTS ARE AMAZINGLY CUTE.

NAK TUMBUK BOLEH?

shaaaab at { 2:31 PM }

Monday, December 6, 2010

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open -
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had
Bruno Mars Grenade lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/bruno-mars-grenade-lyrics.html

And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire, ooh You’ d watch me burn down in flames You said you loved me you're a liar Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no

If a guy would sing this and dedicate it to me,

its either he is a damn good liar,

or he's a figment of my imagination.

seriously,

i have the worst luck when it comes to guys and it's okay.

I have my sister

shaaaab at { 11:06 PM }

Perfection ; What one seeks but can never find.

I thought I found perfection, an oasis in a desert of a life so love-less, its painful to go through.

Only to find out it's only a mirage.

There is always that one particular thing that mars it's beauty.

As fragile as glass, it flits away as soon as I thought I had it in my grasp.

I placed you high on a pedestal, not realising that whatever goes up, MUST come down.

And your fall from grace was not only ugly,painful and heartrending, it was also strangely humbling.

No one is better than another.

A lesson I must learn for myself. I belittle myself so frequently and harshly, I demoralise myself too damn well. Knowledge is power.

Let's see how it helps.

The pen is mightier than sword. But personally, I believe that silence is truly deafening and much more soul searing than it actually seems.

shaaaab at { 1:22 AM }

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I'm tired of second-guessing myself, wondering what I did wrong and if I was good enough.

I'm tired of attempting to dissect the workings of your mind only to come up with a bunch of disgusting goop I don't know what to do with.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells for no particular reason.

I'm damn tired of feeling alone.

I guess that sums up my life pretty nicely.

On a sidenote, parents are coming home soon!!!!!! *screams shrieks yells squeaks faints*

I did the housechores today and was getting sick of doing it while my sister is happily playing MY laptop. tsk.

Headed out at 5+ to Jurong Point with Kucing to redeem a stupid voucher and dinner. attempted to window shop BUT there's nothing -_-

haiya.

headed back and now i'm at my grandad's trying to finish up my CCOM and MCOM.

The difference between me and those girls of yours?

They treat you like a gem.

But I?

I expect to be treated like one.

shaaaab at { 11:25 PM }

my blog is so narcissistic, really.

the minute you open it up,it shows 4 photos of me.

ugh

i disgust myself

okay.

trying to stay on top of schoolwork (note the usage of the word trying) as well as revision.

too many things to do OMG

On a sidenote, Psychology and Mobile Communication are 2 modules I would never give up on. It's so interesting to do and I swear I sound like a nerd but its ok.

Another sidenote ; anyone has the 10th book in the Women's Murder Club series by James Patterson?? I can't find it in libraries or maybe I'm just unlucky!

okay rushing to town now

shaaaab at { 3:45 PM }

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

you have moved on and i'm happy for you, really.

There's nothing to hold you back from your dreams, your hobbies and most importantly, from being true to yourself.

With me,

I always thought I wasn't good enough or things along those lines.

My jealousy, my posessiveness was what brought you down to my level.

I refused to let you have any breathing space, refused to entertain thoughts of "TOO MUCH LOVE", refused basically, to let you be you.

Controlling, demanding, exacting, vengeful, ruthless, unreasonable , needy, poisonous and i can NOT trust. Those are epithets that so aptly described me, I think I was born to be the embodiment of them all.

I'm pathetic at best and trust me when I say I'm already being lenient to myself when I say all this.

So good for you, really.

I'd throw a party for you if it wouldn't destroy me but it will.

You who have been the only constant in my life outside family members. You who I turn to for everything and anything! You who knows me better than I know myself. You, who I gave everything to.

So where does this leave me?

I bid you a fond farewell don't worry I'll drink to your future.

love